Do I not like orange

There may be some who claim that what makes a great World Cup is for the football to always be open, attacking, skilful, passionate, and fair, with plenty of goals to boot. This claim is false. A World Cup is like everything else in life, it feels better if it has a bit of balance. Everything in moderation. Which is why after the fantastic spectacle of Argentina v Mexico on Saturday, it is inevitable and acceptable that we should have to suffer the worst day of the World Cup so far in it's immediate aftermath, and that is pretty much what we got yesterday.

If what the four teams on show yesterday produced was meant to be football, then I for one, as a football fan, am insulted. First, the team to watch in the tournament - if you fancy a nap that is - England. If there's one thing worse than watching England play, it's listening to our genial hosts on TV talk about them. Every time it's the same, 'Are England playing the wrong system?', 'Should we have an extra man up front?', 'Should Hargreaves be in the team?', 'How about the holding midfielder?' 'David Beckham...David Beckham...David Beckham...Beckham David...Bavid Deckham...' SHUT UUUUP!!! History tells you that teams can be awful all the way through and still win the cup or get to the final. Italy in '82 didn't win a single group game, Argentina were extremely ropey in 1978 and would have gone out but for some dodgy stuff to do with dictators and referees, and England themselves never really looked convincing in '66 until the semis. Conversely, Hungary in '54, Holland in '74, Brazil in '82 - all geniuses, all lost. England are through, so they still have a great chance of winning the World Cup. What the pundits should do is forget the sodding midfield system, get to the point and give the England team the following, long overdue criticism: ENGLAND. ARE. BORING!

BOOOOORRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!

Ingerlurnd, Ingerlurnd, Ingerl...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

As I said at the start of the World Cup, I want England to win it. However, I am really starting to wonder if I want to see an England team win the World Cup playing like this. They would be remembered as the dullest champions ever, is that what we really want? I think if you are going to win a World Cup, you should look like worthy champions in at least one game. My theory on England is that they are too inhibited by tactics and stick too stringently to formations. Also, I think they are crippled by fear of an embarrassing defeat. If this is true, then maybe there is some hope of improvement, because as the tournament goes on, the opposition gets better and the stakes get higher, so players are more likely to be consumed by the enormity of the occasion. In this situation adrenalin can take over and systems are forgotten, and this could be our best hope of seeing England at their best, playing from the heart and on instinct, not from the instructions of their dreadful coaching staff.

Oh and if it's still being debated, no - one free kick does not mean David Beckham has proved himself worthy of being in the team. End of story.

The accusation of being dull could not be levelled at Portugal v Holland, however that is about the only good thing you could say about it. The Portuguese won a match that included four red cards, and saw just about everybody else booked by a Russian lunatic who had apparently been given the job of refereeing the game. The second half descended into violent bedlam, with punches being thrown, x-rated tackles flying in and brawls breaking out on the touchline. The referee had no other answer than to wave cards in every direction, only succeeding in creating further ill-feeling. All of this would, of course, have been perfectly entertaining if there were any football going on in between, a good punch-up certainly never did any match any harm after all. Besides, the savagery was far from being the worst aspect of this game.

What really gave this match a sour taste, that made even a match with this much carnage a turn-off, was the repellent, vile, gutless, and unrepentently blatant, cheating. The cynicism on display throughout the match was on a level I don't think I have previously witnessed. Players were not merely diving to win penalties, they were hurling themselves to the floor in neutral areas of the field, meaning the act was of no real benefit to their team - except for the possibility of earning their opponent a card. Now let's get this straight: There was one team to blame for the way this potentially great match turned into such an outrage - and that team was Holland. From the moment the whistle blew, the Dutch made absolutely no attempt to play any football whatsoever, instead content to give a display of 'simulation' that, even by their own low standards, was utterly loathsome. Portugal joined in with some appalling behaviour of their own sure, as the game wore on and the hatred grew between the two teams, but those seeds were sown by the team that chose to make cheating their primary course of action. All this from a team with talent at their disposal to match any in the world. Never has a team been so well summed up by one player, Arjen Robben, an electrifying winger with lightning pace and the ability to light up the biggest game in the world, and possessor of the most despicable attitude to the game you could possibly imagine. When struggling to beat an outstanding opponent, the Portuguese man-of-the-match Miguel, Robben chose to cheat and sulk rather than call on his considerable resources and apply himself. The quintissential modern Dutch footballer.

Holland, a country that gave us a team and a player that were once the embodiment of the beautiful game, have now become the antithesis of it. Good riddance.

Now, we have had our fill of all that, can we get back to the football please?