TV Awards

As the end draws near, a World Cup obsessive must do everything in his/her power to keep World Cup fever running at maximum until the final ball has been kicked. Many people at this time begin to talk about the competition in past tense, already having moved on from whatever excitement they felt a month ago as the tournament kicked off, and this attitude becomes especially common after England have been knocked out. These people should be avoided at all costs by genuine World Cup loonies.

What is needed in the run up to a final is a healthy dose of silly reflective lists. Today, I'm going to go with that good old favourite, the World Cup TV and radio awards.

Best Commentator - John Champion (ITV)
A surprise victory for shITV here, but this man is surely one of the most underrated in football broadcasting. He's got a great voice, he makes intelligent and insightful comment, and he's genuinely funny. He also has a knack of keeping his excitement level in perspective with the importance of the event - a crucial skill for a great commentator, and one only has to listen to ten minutes of John Motson to realise this. Why then is this man continually overlooked in favour of Clive Tyldesley? Tyldesley is always full of himself, trying to build up potentially big moments with memorable lines so he can hear his voice replayed over and over. The Champion just gets on with describing the game as it happens, and his commentaries are so much the better for it. The BBC failed miserably in this category this time, mainly due to having the embarrassing Motson as their number one.

Chances of getting the final: Nil.

Best Summariser - Chris Waddle (Five Live)
I should thank John Motson in a way, because if it weren't for his commentary being so excruciating, I wouldn't have been inclined, when watching BBC's matches, to use the digital facility of listening to Five Live's coverage instead. Chris Waddle has probably been their most used summariser along with the (also excellent) Terry Butcher. Waddle is a most perceptive observer, often spotting key tactical points early in a match which prove to be vital to the outcome. Howeverm the main reason Waddle gets the nod over his Five Live colleague in this category is his outspokenness, and his ranting during Graham Poll's farcical display in the Croatia v Australia match was one of my tournament highlights. To his credit, Waddle identified early in the game that it wasn't to be Poll's night, uttering the phrase 'having a shocker' after about 20 minutes, long before Graham had made his most memorable gaffes.

Waddle is a one of the few honest summarisers, with the courage to actually give damning criticism when it is justified - ie not just to England's opponents. Five Live completely outstripped the opposition in this category, if I had made a top five they would have been in with a chance of a clean sweep.

Chances of getting the final: 50/50 - they'll probably go for Butcher and Graham Taylor.

Best Panellist - Alan Hansen (BBC 1)
For about the fourth World Cup in a row, this category has been no contest, and we must ask ourselves whether a successor to the King of pundits' reign will ever be found. Should we in fact just be grateful to live in the era of Hansen - the greatest there ever was. The man isn't just a football pundit, he's a revolutionary force in broadcasting. Hansen moved football analysis into a new era, leaving Jimmy Hill and the old guard standing with his relaxed, articulate, and candidly critical observations . Never before had we heard the word 'abysmal' used with such regularity and resonance. All punditry is now judged by the standards Hansen has set, and it's noticeable that other BBC analysts must wait their turn until the big man has spoken. Hansen has become the BBC's crown jewel, one imagines he could name his price if he wished to sign for a rival broadcaster.

It should be said that ITV's performance in this category has been, as usual, abominable. See the nightmare team below for details.

Chances of getting the final: Are you kidding? Only death could deny him, even then the BBC would probably attempt some form of restoration.

Best Anchor - Gabby Logan (ITV)
Gabby is the runaway winner here. Her main rival, Gary Lineker, has been guilty of risible puns, and an unnecessarily anglocentric view. Lineker also had a tendency to talk in cliches about certain teams, ignoring the evidence on show. Witness his praise of Brazil's flair football after three performaces without any, and his continued insistence that Italy are boring despite them being among the more attacking teams in the tournament. Gabby on the other hand just exudes class; she consistently shows impartiality, displays greater depth of knowledge than all her male counterparts, and asks more sensible and searching questions of her analysts. So why, we must ask, have ITV insulted her by replacing her with Steve Rider for the biggest games? Rider was nowhere to be seen until ITV's first England game, almost a week into the tournament. Up to then ITV had been virtually Gabby all the way, then in strolls Rider, like an OAP walking straight to the front of the Post Office queue, right into their biggest TV audience of the World Cup to that point.

Rider, a man who spent the vast majority of his career playing second fiddle to Des Lynam on the BBC, being allowed only to present events no one watched, like Golf, Motor Racing or the non track & field bits of the Olympics, is given priority for major World Cup games over the most intelligent football presenter on TV. Rider has continued to make fleeting appearances, showing up for Brazil games, and getting the Semi-final. What possible explanation can there be? My most horrifying thought is that ITV think it's great fun and politically correct to have a woman presenting the football, but that when it gets serious, we really need to be told how it is by a man. Whatever the reason, ITV should hang ther head in shame. They have the best young broadcaster in the business on their books and they blow it by using a old fart with no interest in football. Gabby, get yourself a transfer to someone who appreciates your skills.

Chances of getting the final: About 1%. There is still a slim chance that I could shoot Steve Rider before 6pm on Sunday.

Best Reporter - Adrian Chiles (BBC 1)
Adrian Chiles is pure gold in the world of televised football. For the first time, a genuine football fan has made it to the higher echelons of broadcasting. Adrian represents all us real football obsessives, perfectly summing up the emotions we all go through in pursuing our addiction, week-by-week during the regular season, and now day-by-day during the World Cup. He asks the questions we would ask, he sees the things that we would see, he is amused by things that only a real fan would be amused by. When ex-footballers analyse matches, they can tell us endless things about tactics and techniques that those of us who have never played the game wouldn't have the first idea about. But it takes someone like Adrian to spot the despairing looks on supporters' faces, the anxious fidgeting of a manager, the mannersisms that give away a player's mood. This is what a football supporter sees, it's all part of our World Cup experience. Given the bemusement shown by Chiles' colleagues in response to some of his comments, you wonder whether genuine football nuts ever become players. Either that, or leaving this innocent part of the experience behind must be a necessary consequence of becoming a professional. Whatever the reason, it's vital that the likes of Adrian Chiles are allowed to share the airwaves with the ex-pro's. Supporters are as much a part of football as the players, certainly one couldn't exist without the other, so it's only right that during the World Cup our enjoyment should be enhanced by hearing the voices of experience from both on and off the pitch. The BBC are unique in offering this insight, and it is thanks to Chiles' presence that they can do so.

Chances of Getting the Final: 100% that he'll turn up at some point.

Best Newcomer: Leonardo (BBC 1)
Despite being far too good-looking, the Brazilian gets a deserved award. Alan Shearer aside, the BBC have wonderful taste in analysts, and Leonardo's insights, the result of a career spent playing Latin style football in South America and Italy, have been a welcome change from those of panellists too used to the English game. His command of the English language also appears to be far superior to that of most of his British colleagues, I'm sorry to say. It's a shame that this will probably be the last we see of him.

Chances of getting the final: Relegated to half-time reporting from the stands for the semi-final, so it doesn't look too promising. Hansen and O'Neill are rightly nailed on, but Leonardo's expertise on Italian football might give him a chance of nicking Alan Shearer's seat. We can but hope.


So, in conclusion we have:

2006 World Cup TV Dream Team!
My World Cup final would be brought to me by the following team: This is the World Cup final, which means I can cheat with numbers.

Anchor - Gabby Logan (ITV)
Panel - Alan Hansen, Martin O'Neill, Leonardo (all BBC 1), Graham Taylor (Five Live).
Commentator - John Champion (ITV)
Summariser - Chris Waddle (Five Live).

With reports at half-time and full time from Adrian Chiles, who is of course with the fans.

With this panel, the World Cup final would be a glorious occasion, even if the game turns out to be shite. There is however, always another side of the coin, which is why we have:

2006 World Cup TV Team From Hell!
If Satan was broadcsting the World Cup, this would be his team:

Anchor - Steve Rider (ITV)
Panel - Alan Shearer (BBC 1), Ruud Gullit, Andy Townsend (ITV)
Commentator - John Motson (BBC 1)
Summariser - Mark Lawrenson (BBC 1)

With reports from Garth Crooks from Baden Baden, who will presumably bring us the thoughts of items randomly discarded by England fans. That's if they can stand two minutes in the company of Garth Crooks of course.

Team from Hell's chances of getting the final:
Rider: 100%
Shearer: Looking good for him, bad for us.
Gullit: Low, thank goodness.
Townsend: 100%. Shit.
Motson: 100%
Lawro: 100%

The last two will of course be together on BBC 1. That's the bleak reality folks. My advice would be BBC 1, with commentary switched to Five Live when match starts. Oh, and break the number 3 button on your remote, just in case someone gets tempted.